I have discovered through much trial and error (MUCH trial and error) that sometimes I am really bad at loving the ones I love. Take last night (and trust me, you can have it), when I was stressed out because I left my homework for the last minute. My fault, entirely, and yet I took it out on my sweet hubby. Poor guy hasn’t had a free day in two weeks, and yours truly snapped at him because he had the nerve to lie down on the bed and watch something mindless. This led to going to bed angry (I know, I know…you’re not supposed to. Reality check, folks. It happens.) and this morning as we rushed around getting ready to leave, we did it in silence. This is the only kind of silence that I don’t like…this disconnect from my sweet hubby. I ended up in tears at work, and when you work with high school students, and you’re crying, they immediately assume that the world is ending or something. Not sure why, since these same students can stand at my desk flipping through a box of Kleenex like it’s a Rolodex and sobbing hysterically…but as soon as I even LOOK like I’m crying, they all want to take my temperature, make me lie down and alert the media.
I wish I knew why, when I’m having one of “those days”, I immediately lash out at the ones that I love the most. I’ve tried the whole “lashing out at random people on the street” scenario, but it’s not very satisfying. The madder I get, the worse my Spanish gets, and so I end up yelling at them and not making any sense, and they just look at me like I’ve lost my mind, which is probably not too far from the truth.
I guess it has something to do with forgiveness. The random guy on the street who just got his head handed to him by the crazy white woman doesn’t care. And to forgive, you have to care. I know my sweet hubby loves me. Sometimes I don’t know why, but I do know he loves me. And he will (actually has already) forgive me. That doesn’t make it right. I don’t get to keep taking out all of my frustrations on him, just because he will take it, and keep loving me.
I’ve got some work to do on me.
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15