Yesterday’s post was traumatic. I’ve reread it about 50 times, considered deleting it about 50 times, and ultimately left it up, not to torture all of you, but to remind myself of just how low I’ve gotten. Don’t get me wrong-I miss my son. I miss that guy like macaroni misses cheese. I’m going to miss my girls. But as I read…and reread…what I finally realized is that I miss my FATHER.
I’m a hot mess right now. Physically (my hair looks like Patrick cut it and I could use some makeup), Emotionally (I cried yesterday over EVERYTHING. My poor hubby gave up and went to lunch with a friend.) and Spiritually. Seriously. I went to find my Bible yesterday, and it was in our storage room. Don’t freak out-I had it on Christmas Eve-but I seriously have no idea how it ended up in that storage room. Yesterday’s post was a soul-purging, gut-wrenching mess of emotions (And I chose to share it with all of you. You can thank me later.) that had to come out before I could see where I was.
Yesterday, in between sob-sessions and cleaning my room (when I get upset I throw things away), I was blog-hopping. I love blogs-they are a little glimpse into someone’s thoughts without the physical agony of actually having to talk to them. I especially love blogs that make me laugh. Yesterday, as I was hosting my own pity party complete with noisemakers, the Lord led me to several women who write from their hearts…for the Lord. I spent most of the afternoon reading their thoughts, their struggles and their triumphs…and it finally hit me. My problem is not that I am here and my son is there, or that we can’t move back to the US so I can live in my little three bedroom century home with antiques all over the place…my problem is my heart.
I have spent so much time (I tried to figure out when all of this started, and the reality of it made me queasy) complaining about what I don’t have, where I don’t live, and how happy I’m NOT…that it’s become a lifestyle. Yesterday it was as though the Lord reached down and knocked me in the back of the head and said “Will. You. LISTEN.” I haven’t been (Hello-Bible in the storage room?) in fact, I think I’ve been consciously IGNORING the voice of the Lord, because if He wasn’t saying what I wanted to hear, I wasn’t going to listen.
You’ve heard the saying “It’s not about me.” Oh, but it is, friends. It’s all about me, and my lack of faith, and my lousy attitude, and my grouchy demeanor…it is most definitely all about me.
2012 is going to be all about HIM. I’ve got some work to do (Nothing like overstating the obvious) and, with His guidance and leading, this time next year my prayer is that my blog will reflect His glory, His power and His love.